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5 ways to attract a sexual partner on a bike tour

by Matt Maynard

Bike touring is inherently sexy. It also involves lots of skills and dedication which have been proven by the Lampoon Spoof Scientific Research Group to attract the opposite sex. Minor inconveniences like body odor and food stains on your jersey can be turned to your advantage with a little bit of thought. And the heroism of your journey is a real catch. With these sure-fire no gimmick tips, learn how to really attract the opposite sex and ensure you hit it off on your bike tour!

border-grooming

Quick freshen-up in South American border toilet

1. Grooming and appearance

Ah, the good life! Being outdoors all day gives you that fresh-faced adventurous look. Most people will find this enchanting. Chin strap sun lines are not attractive though. If in a fix, keep your helmet on and the strap fastened when buying groceries. Everyone will know you are a biker and a safety conscious one at that. It could also help initiate conversation.

Body odor can be an issue if not explained properly. Travelling fast and light means you have space for only two shirts. By detailing your clothing rotation system; sharing the joys of your utility sink plug and demonstrating how a tent guy line can double for hanging washing you will overpower an odorous difficulties.

Finally, a life on the road is no excuse for sloppiness. The influence that a tidy bar bag can swing in a short time should never be underestimated.

real-life-girlThis is a real-life woman I once talked to on a bike trip

2. Food

Nothing says I’m practical and responsible with my health, like nutritionally balanced trail mix. When entering a new town, try and find a large open area where you can park your bike and pose with your healthy snack. Take polite handfuls whilst gazing appraisingly at the nutrition chart.

If a future mate does not approach, try something more elaborate with your stove. By setting up your portable kitchen in a park or lay-by it shouldn’t be long before someone wants to know how to successfully store spices and loose onions in a pannier bag. Use this as a talking point, then let the rich smells of cooking, and your dexterity with the flame adjuster do the talking! After the meal, be sure to brush your teeth before leaving the public area. The value of dental hygiene should not be underestimated.

odo-posingGet your game face on when odometer posing

3. Odometer allure

Don’t play the bike computer card too early. Let them come to you…

Once in a public space, step off the bike and pull down the kickstand nonchalantly like you have been riding for a long time. Begin counting distances on the fingers of your hand. It’s best if you do this in the thousands, but hundreds will work if still building confidence. If this fails to attract attention, take out a map of the country (avoid world maps, this may seem pompous) and run your finger down the map, repeating the distance counting process.

By now you will have gathered a small crowd. If people want to take selfies with you, that’s fine, but prioritise photos with anyone who takes your interest. Now seal the deal – walk slowly around the bike until you get to the handlebars. Pause for a moment at your bike computer before reading off your total distance (again thousands better than hundreds). Pro tip: Use kilometers rather than miles as a distance of measurement. These add up to more, will befound your listener and make you sound exotic and worldly.

gift-significant-other

“Do you like my spider?” presents are a great way of attracting the opposite sex

4. Drifter Talk

Knowing how to pose near your bike is important. But to really attract the opposite sex, you need to talk the talk. Here’s some stock phrases that will set the tone.

“I haven’t been in a car for [insert n ] of days.” Glance at a passing vehicle as you say this and scoff derisively.

“I think I’ll push on into the night.” Tap your trusty bike light whilst patting your reflective jacket.

“I don’t do campsites, I wild camp.” Turn up your palm and rub your index finger and thumb to indicate frugalness.

“I could have got here quicker, but I came through the backcountry.” Gaze just over their head.

“I am thinking of getting a tattoo of my route.” Trace a line with your finger up the small of your back.

5. Finally, be adventurous

It’s not about distance, it’s about the destination with whoever that might be. Go out on your bike for yourself. Let romance happen organically. Of all things, be natural.

Remember: There is no formula for finding a soul mate on a bike tour. Any online list – like this one – promising pop-up love is clearly nonsense.


Call for comment

  • How fantastic were those tips?
  • Care to share your own sure-fire tips for bicycle love?

Next Month: Biking the conquistador’s graveyard

Matt Maynard is a British cyclist, writer and environmentalist. He is based in Santiago, Chile. Find more of his adventures on Twitter @MattNMaynard, Facebook and at his website Matt-Maynard.com.

 
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9 Responses to “5 ways to attract a sexual partner on a bike tour”

  1. Bill says:

    HAHAHA. Now this was funny!!! I came through the backcountry. HAHAHHAHAHAHA

  2. Summer says:

    Lol nice! Btw, we ain’t all out looking for the “opposite sex” in a romantic partner Matt =)

  3. Matt Maynard says:

    Summer – totally with you on this one – duly amended.

  4. Fabien Beaufils says:

    Advice (only valid in a country other than the UK : show your tan lines (called bronzage agricole in French), women looooove it!

  5. Island Dave says:

    I was once mobbed by a tour bus load of 40 something Southern Ladies when out and about in my very phallic looking Velomobile.

    I let out with my best Austin Powers “Oh Behave” in response to the comments that were coming out of their mouths.

    I asked who let them out of their cages. It was their husbands.

    Then there was the woman who said that I looked like a giant dildo. I responded with, “If this is the size dildo that you are accustom to then I fear that I would be of little use to you.”

    Her friends burst into laughter and she turned beet red and I made my escape,

  6. Matt Maynard says:

    Classic Island Dave! I wish I could come out with lines like that on the spot. Thanks for sharing ( :

  7. Crazy Biker says:

    Odometer allure is best and like it extremely. Thanks for sharing an outstanding post.

  8. Matt Maynard says:

    Thanks crazy biker – I find my odo normally drives chicks wild.

  9. Keith says:

    Great stuff. My favorite part is your pro tip to use kilometers rather than miles to “make you sound exotic and worldly.” LOL.

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